The Anonymous Us Project is a safety zone for real and honest insights regarding third party reproduction (sperm & egg donation, and surrogacy). We aim to share the experiences of voluntary and involuntary participants in these new reproductive technologies, while preserving the dignity and privacy for story-tellers and their loved ones. All stories are contributed anonymously because "anonymity in reproduction hides the truth, but anonymity in story-telling helps reveal the truth." Read More
You know what sucks? The fact that I know you're a doctor somewhere in the country, able to make ends meet.
While all I have is a mother struggling to pay bills and stay up on her feet.
You know what sucks? When people ask about you.
Because I have the same questions too.
It's hard to look them back in the eyes and tell them you don't have a dad,
But it's even harder to pretend not to be mad.
It happens all the time.
When I'm sitting in a booth eating chocolate chip pancakes,
Only to stare up and see a man with a similar shaped face.
When the lights rise after a movie
And leaving the theater is a random man who looks like maybe he produced me.
When I'm in line to get ice-cream and the man in front orders the same exact thing
It's hard to look away -- but it's worse to feel the sting.
The burn, the pain it's what we all learn
When all you've ever known your whole life is anonymous sperm.
Wishes are dumb.
Every time I make one my body goes numb.
Little do you know I've wished for the same thing since age 8,
To get to know my father is all I want at this rate.
Sometimes life begins to get a little crazy,
It always seems to be because the vision of my biological father is far too hazy.
Stephen Chbosky once said, "So, I guess we are who we are for alot of reasons. And maybe we'll never know most of them. But even if we don't have the power to choose where we come from, we can still choose where we go from there. We can still do things. And we can try to feel okay about them."
But without knowing my father I don't know if being okay is an option. I'm happy to be alive, but what I'll never be happy about is not knowing.
Not knowing what your life is like. It's 4am and I sit here typing about my father who probably has a beautiful child of his own. I sit here typing about a man who's mind I probably haven't crossed since the day I was born and he got the call.
That's all I want. A call from my dad.
A reminder that he is somewhere on the planet.
At first I tried to make this description of my life rhyme, but then I realized that its pointless. Rhymes are expected, but finding my dad -- now that's not expected.
I recently read Fredrick Douglass' autobiographies. Douglass, Autobiographies: Narrative of the Life; My Bondage and My Freedom; Life and Times (Literary Classics of the United States, Inc. 1994)(hereinafter "Douglass"). What I read made me very sad, as I appreciated for the first time how being born through a commercial reproductive system converts people into products, or more accurately, "cash crops." Reading Fredrick Douglass' autobiographies, I began to see a connection between white masters fathering slave children during the domestic slave trade and third party reproduction. White masters in the domestic slave trade and third party reproduction both produced infant citizens commercially, amputated their ancestries in whole or in part, and alienated their natural infantile affections for one or both biological parents, all with the approval of the government.
The government acts completely different with respect to adopted citizens. Recognizing the adopted child's pain, and the negative impact this has on society as a whole, we as a people spend millions of dollars each year on educational and birth control programs designed to keep our citizens out of the adoption system in the first instance. If, against our best efforts to keep them out, children need to be placed for adoption, we step in defensively and vigorously screen all potential adoptive parents and their homes to protect the best interests of the children themselves. We do this because we recognize that their parents, and their parents alone, upended the playing field on which these citizens must live their lives. None of this "governmental love" happens for the child produced through third party reproduction. His government, like the government of Mr. Douglass' day, worked offensively for, as opposed to defensively against, the family reality into which he was born.
The resemblance of the two commercial reproductive systems to each other, in terms of the impact on the infant citizens themselves, is unmistakable. Indeed, the complaints Mr. Douglass voiced against the domestic slave system that produced him, would be perfectly at home on the pages of AnonymousUs.org, and vice versa.
Regarding his complete lack of knowledge regarding his biological father, rumored to be his white master, Mr. Douglass wrote: "I say nothing of father, for he is shrouded in a mystery I have never been able to penetrate. Slavery does away with fathers . . . The order of civilization is reversed here. The name of the child is not expected to be that of its father. . . .He can be father without being a husband, and may sell his child without incurring reproach. . . ." (Douglass 151).
On AnonymousUs.org, "Passed Down" posted this on October 11, 2014, regarding his or her own father: "[T]hank you so much for giving me this life anonymous father. My cowardly father. And the system that allows this to happen anonymously, Thank you so much! I have never felt more screwed over and depleted of my rights. God bless America.
Regarding the alienation of his infantile affections, and the domestic slave system generally, Mr. Douglass wrote: "I never think of this terrible interference of slavery with my infantile affections, and its diverting them from their natural course, without feelings to which I can give no adequate expression." (Douglass 152). "There is not, beneath the sky, an enemy to filial affection so destructive as slavery. It had made my brothers and sisters strangers to me; it converted the mother that bore me, into a myth; it shrouded my father in mystery, and left me without an intelligible beginning in the world." (Douglass p.157).
Regarding not knowing one's biological brothers and sisters, on July 3, 2014, "Searching for Ghosts" posted in part: "People who know about my search don't understand. They seem to think I'm crazy to care so much about siblings who might not even want anything to do with me. But I need to know. I need to know if there is anyone out there that shares this part of me. Because if I do have half-siblings, I won't be alone in this. Even if they hated me, I'd know there were still people I belong to, have always belonged to in a way I've never really been able to comprehend. And maybe I am crazy to think this way, but I just don't want to feel this alone anymore. And this is one of the cruelest things about being donor-conceived, really- the not knowing. Maybe never knowing. And having to live in the absolute torture of wondering if the people you've held out so much hope of finding even exist in the first place."
Regarding the third party reproductive system generally, "I feel scared and alone and confused" posted on October 28, 2014: "[I]'ve seen so much hate... like people calling donor-people 'spoiled brat' or a 'ungrateful child' or saying 'the donor-people's parents have a right to a child that they want'. . . . I don't get this hypocrisy, the people who are saying that not knowing my dad is no big deal are people who are not donor-conceived, they KNOW both their parents, even if their dad was not the best dad in the world. They still KNEW their dad, and he didn't trade them in for money. . . ."
Regarding the right of white men to make a profit from the creation of their slave children, Mr. Douglass wrote: "[It is] shocking and scandalous . . . for a man to sell his own blood to the traffickers in human flesh. . . " (Douglass p.157).
With tremendous anger, "One of your clients' not-so-happy 'products' " posted similar sentiments on AnonymousUs.org on December 16, 2014: "Thanks California CryoBank! It's really lovely how you split families, crush dreams, and restrict children from ever meeting their parents, just so you can make money! No one's lives are being f_ _ _ _ed over because of your donations. No, none at all!"
Finally, regarding the complete absence of any consideration being given to whether being born through a commercial human reproductive system would be in the child's best interest, Mr. Douglass succinctly stated: I was "born for another's benefit." (Douglass p.147). "No Progress" posted a much fuller analysis on September 15, 2014, stating in part: "[M]y view is that our rights are taken away before we are even born. . . . When are our rights ever considered? No one bothered to consider the consequences . . . This is WRONG. . . ."
Clearly, the similarity in the above statements should have set off major alarm bells in every reader's mind and begs the question: "How did this happen?" The answer to that question is simple: for the second time in her short history, America has chosen to ignore the plain language of the Declaration of Independence in order to satisfy the needs of a select few.
Abraham Lincoln opened his famous Gettysburg Address by paraphrasing the preamble to the Declaration of Independence in these words: "Four score and seven years ago our fathers brought forth on this continent, a new nation, conceived in Liberty, and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal." President Lincoln did not need to define "who" made men equal, or "how" they were made so, because Thomas Jefferson made the answers to these two questions very clear when he drafted the Declaration of Independence. Nature's God, working through the Laws of Nature, made men equal.
When we manufacture citizens outside of "the Laws of Nature" we substitute "man-made" equality for "God-given" equality. When man injects himself into God's creative plan, losses occur, including but not limited to: loss of one's biological father and/or mother, or both; loss of biological siblings; loss of half or all of one's medical history; loss of all or half of one's ancestry; loss of the ability to join in the nationally recognized holidays of Mother's Day, Father's Day, and Grandparents' Day, etc.
The third party reproductive system is not "equal" to nature's reproductive system at all. It is a separate and unequal human reproductive system that denies to the citizens produced through it, the blessings that occur as a matter of course through the free and natural reproductive system designed by "Nature's God." This lack of equality hurts citizens produced artificially and generates a "[f]eeling of inferiority as to their status in the community that may affect their hearts and minds in a way unlikely ever to be undone." Brown v. Board of Education, www.ourdocuments.gov. Being produced through a secondary, commercial, and artificial reproductive system, when three hundred and nineteen million Americas enjoyed birth through the free and natural reproductive system, denies these citizens equal protection of the law in violation of the Fourteenth Amendment to the Constitution.
Third party reproduction is tyranny, a tyranny masked by the good intentions of many, but tyranny nonetheless. We the people must re-confirm our belief in our founding principles, abolish third party reproduction so as not to destroy the equality, rights, and roots of any other future citizens, and make reparation, to the best we can, to those citizens that have been brutalized, even if unintentionally, thus far.