The Anonymous Us Project is a safety zone for real and honest insights regarding third party reproduction (sperm & egg donation, and surrogacy). We aim to share the experiences of voluntary and involuntary participants in these new reproductive technologies, while preserving the dignity and privacy for story-tellers and their loved ones. All stories are contributed anonymously because "anonymity in reproduction hides the truth, but anonymity in story-telling helps reveal the truth." Read More
I had a single mother by choice, she has been the only mom I know and the only person I will accept as my parent. she had no issues telling me that I was conceived by a donor and although it was 'normalized' for a moment, as I grew up with questions about my origins it wasn't as normal any more...
I look at history, and there are dads, I look at wildlife, there are dads, I look at society and there are dads. Dads are everywhere, maybe its media but I feel like I'm missing out. I feel like I will never know what it's like to be in the arms of a man who loves me unconditionally in a innocent non-sexual way, and who will be my other half. I will never know what it's like to bond with my other genetic parent, I will never know what it's like to look at the rest of nature and know I was conceived the way I was suppose to be...you know, outside a science lab....and not on a dish to be shoved into a refrigerator.
But these feelings make me feel like I'm a bad child; I betrayed my mother, and some of her feminist friends who praise her for being a single mom, and not taking help from a man . On TV the Cryo Generation seems just fine, and because they aren't screaming out "I want a dad!" I feel as though my feelings are invalid and selfish. But then I think "shouldn't kids' feelings come first?" But then I think "no because our parents made us, so we should always be grateful for whatever they do." But then I think "that's not fair, why bring a kid into the world just so you can be happy?". But then I think oh shit, I'm being selfish and betraying my mom again!
She's nice to me, yet she made my dad anonymous on purpose so I could never find him, even though she had both a dad and a mom, and she's even close to her dad. Do you know what it's like to hear her stories about the awesome dad she had, and all the great things she did with him, that I will never have? It burns. It burns so hard I can't talk because I choke.
I can't say I'm for or against sperm donning, because I guess some kids don't mind... but what people tend to forget is what about the kids who do mind? Do we matter? Why should our childhood and our feelings be sacrificed, so our folks can have the parenthood experience of their dreams? I thought parenting was about the cute babies, not the parents.. I just feel weird about it. I'm sure Im just some terrible daughter and I probably don't matter... I mean, if I did, my dad would probably want to see me, but whatever. My dad is a stranger, who jacked off to woman-trashing porn, and sold his sperm to a woman he doesn't know on the Internet, for sixty dollars. Thats the dignity of my conception, two strangers exchanging money for 'materials' over Craig's list, and that's all I will ever know about him.
FYI it burns like hell....
I know I could have had it worse. I was never lied to, and that's certainly something. But I feel like there are two extremes for donor kids and I don't know which side I should be on. On one side are the people who know their donors are a part of them and long to know the person they get half their DNA from. And I know that describes me sometimes. I have a tape of my donor's voice, answering questions. Some are deep queries about his personal beliefs, but others are trivial. Those are the ones that make me cry. Questions like 'what's your favorite movie?' He gave the same answer as me and it confused and delighted me. After hearing in him all the traits in me the rest of my family doesn't understand, I felt like i'd missed out on something spectacular, to be understood by the person partially responsible for my existence. But then another part of my knows that lots of people are partially responsible. I have, perhaps dozens of 'parents' who made my existence possible. Countless doctors and nurses, the receptionist at the sperm bank, even the guy who shot the porn films donors watch when the jerk off into cups. When I think about that I swing to the other extreme, feeling like some kind of freak of nature, alive because my mom was lonely, and felt like a failure for not getting married and having kids. It seems odd and horrorible at the same time that two people who have never even laid eyes on each other have a child. I hate that my dad got paid. I hate that he was probably just some guy who was broke and needed a little bit of pocket cash. No matter how great of a guy he was, he just wanted the money. And even though I think about him all the time, he has no idea I that exist. So, even if we do have all these things in common, any connection we have is just in my head. He probably has a family of his own, which I'd have no place in. In fact, for all I know, he could be dead. I thought meeting a few half siblings would help; I thought I might find somebody like me, who shared his traits with me. But all I found were three girls living on the other side of the country who neither look like me, act like me, or share any characteristics at all with me. Granted, I never expected them to be carbon copies of me, but what I found were people I couldn't stand to be around, self-centered, and at times, horribly racist. So I've given up on siblings, and I doubt I could stand the dissappointment of all the things that could go wrong with trying to meet my dad. So all I'm really left with is a vaguely empty feeling and anger toward my mother. I hear people remark that us donor kids should just be happy that we're here. It's not that I'm not grateful to be alive, but my life is hampered by this. I don't know who said it, but I always think of this quote for some reason, 'just because a child is born of rape, do not expect him to endorse rape.' That's not word for word and I am in no way comparing the situation of donor kids to that of children born of rape, but the principle applies. I want to be angry, I really do, but I also can't wish that my mom would take it back, because then I wouldn't even be here.Date submitted: March 02, 2014