The Anonymous Us Project: Stories from Partners/Friends/Others

Stories from Partners/Friends/Others

Seeking A Future Sperm Donor

I am a young woman.

I come from a biological/intact family full of siblings and have never used IVF. I am not talking about the past. Much less the present. But the possible future.

In the future I want to use sperm donation after having a family of my own with a future husband.

I'm biracial and want to have at least one kid who looks like me. I don't know whether this is narcissism, cruel kindness or something else speaking, but that's the gist of it.

I feel uncomfortable with my desires.

If I use sperm donation, I may be severing the link between sex and children and contributing to the whole anonymous stuff. If I do it the natural way, I commit adultery and destroy a marital relationship.

I don't know what to do.

I just know that my freaky desires aren't right.

Date submitted: April 16, 2013

Looking for Sperm Donors for Study

Hello!
I am currently part of a research team at SUNY Geneseo. We are studying communication in donor-conceived families and are trying to understand the communicative experiences of sperm donors. We are asking anonymous sperm donors who are 18 years or older and who have donated sperm at least one year ago to complete an anonymous online survey available at https://www.geneseo.edu/survey/57976/lang-en I am writing to ask if you will forward this email to people you know who meet the participation criteria or know others who do.

Thank you for your help!

Thank you for your time.

Date submitted: April 02, 2013

History and Genes

I'm not going to make judgements here - just an observation or two.

There have been "non-marital events" for a long time. Things like women bearing children other than those of the men they were married to. And unwed mothers. Orphanages were once commonplace in Western Europe (Dickens' London comes to mind). And nobody rational ever suggested that all "legitimate" children had caring, decent ("legitimate") parents. Certainly, there was child abuse and abandonment, even incest and rape.

But in all this, the concept of families and some kind of "history" was part of society, even if great-grandfather was himself adopted. Every ancestral history begins someplace in time, be it in 1400, 1900 or 2000. Genealogical knowledge is often - perhaps usually - abused by social climbers and snobs, even (rather ironically) in the United States.

While I would never suggest that anybody "needs" to know his ancestry in any line over ten generations (more than a million ancestors at that point), it might be interesting to know that a great-grandfather served in the First World War, for example. No, we should not take credit for the deeds or misdeeds of our ancestors, none of whom was perfect. Truth be told, some ancestors are probably best forgotten. It's about the knowledge.

But don't we have a right to at least know something about family history, which we can then decide to embrace or reject?

Granted, adoptees rarely learn much about their biological parents, but that has sometimes prompted personal quests for information.

We may not like what we learn, and in any case it may not be especially "instructive." The whole ethnic identity thing, for instance, is misplaced as often as not (the places we now call Italy and Germany didn't even exist as nation states until the middle of the 19th century). Here I'm talking about basic, simple ancestral identity, as well as medical histories.

Genetic genealogy, with its focus on haplogroups and ancient history, fascinating though it may be, cannot address the desire for essential information regarding the last few generations.

No, I'm not part of the family history bandwagon. It's just that kids ask questions. They're curious. Establishing a relationship of sorts with a biological father (sperm donor) may not be sufficiently fulfilling for everybody, though I agree it's a good starting point.

Part of the "problem" is that the child of, for example, a single woman who chose artificial insemination may understandably feel the need to defend his mother and her choice - even though the decision itself was made before thevchild was born or even conceived.

True, we create most of our personal identity, but we shouldn't presume to decide for others what they may choose to identify with in their ancestral histories. Some of it might just be worth preserving.

Date submitted: April 12, 2012

Perspective

When two women claim they are capable of having the same relationship as a man and woman do, the implication is that every man's contribution to relationships, marriage, and family is replaceable and unnecessary. That is what is REALLY a "WAR ON MEN." And two men claiming their relationship is just as much a relationship or marriage as a heterosexual committed relationship implicitly dismisses any contribution of every woman, thus also claiming women are inconsequential to relationships, marriage, and family. That is what is REALLY a "WAR ON WOMEN." And both is REAL (gender) discrimination.

Also, comparing same sex "parenting" to single parents is extremely faulty, because (1.) people don't typically get divorced on purpose and (2.) there is always a chance that an opposite sex parent can come into the mix and help raise the child. With same sex "parenting," the child for the lifetime of the relationship and BY DESIGN of same sex relationships, is always deprived of either a mother or a father. It takes more than just two people loving each other to give the best environment and outcome for a child. Men and women are complimentary opposites psychologically. And parenting is not about what the parents want or about using children as "equality" trophies to justify or validate a particular private bedroom habit...parenting is about what children ultimately need. Therefore, the promotion of same sex "parenting" is what is REALLY a "WAR ON CHILDREN."

Date submitted: March 24, 2012

Telling the Truth Without Redefining Words

I interact with lots of donor offspring who were told the truth early and often by the people who raised them. Telling donor offspring the truth when they are still young is the right thing to do and seems to be growing in popularity. There is a minor wrinkle to work out and that is that people raising donor offspring use terminology that makes it unclear what they are telling the truth about.

"The truth about your conception"
No. Their conception story has nothing to do with what they'd believe if they were not told the truth. The truth is that donor offspring are not the biological offspring of the people raising them. The idea in telling the truth is not to mislead them into believing they are related to social parents and their relatives. So telling donor offspring the truth means telling them that they are not the offspring of the people raising them and that in fact they are someone else's offspring. It does also mean telling them that they have other relatives beyond those they are being raised around.

These statements are not true and should be avoided when trying to tell donor offspring the truth.

"Your father and I conceived you with donor sperm"
"I did not reproduce with the donor I reproduced with your mother"
or
"I am the biological mother!"
"Donor conceived individuals"

There is a growing misunderstanding that egg donor recipients are biological mothers. This is not true. http://www.asrm.org/topics/detail.aspx?id=418
http://www.asrm.org/topics/detail.aspx?id=3634

The good decision to tell the truth often goes hand in hand with the use of words intended to conceal the social nature of the parent child relationship. Truth is undermined by saying it in a way that makes social parenthood sound and feel like biological parenthood. If parenthood does not turn on the reproductive process then there is no need to try and emulate it when describing social relationships.

Date submitted: February 26, 2012

My story for you...

I was born in 1968, and raised by my gay mother. My mother was 16 when she had me. My father was a foreign student, attending college on a student visa. My mother was just discovering homosexuality, so she did not tell my father she was pregnant. She moved away and never told him I had been born. My mother had looked in to an abortion. Thank God it was not legal in our State! She kept me and recieved welfare.
When I was 11, I asked who my father was. I yearned for my father. My gay mother told me "I did not have a father". I persisted, and insisted that she tell me the truth. She gave me the only photograph she had of him. She only remembered his first and last name. She said she did not kow if he was still in the U.S. or back in South America.
I grew up with an identity problem which affected my relationships and self esteem, not to mention the undescribable "longing" and constant ache to know the piece of me that was missing.
In my 20s, I searched for my father through private detective services, contacting the Universities he might have attended, writing to the embassy and student visa departments. I was not able to find him due to "privacy acts". I prayed to God that I would recieve an answered prayer. I never gave up hope to find the father who never even knew that I existed.
Fast forward to present:
I was married 3 years ago at age 40. I was unable to get pregnant, because my eggs were too old. We consulted with a fertility doctor who advised us to use an egg donor. We looked through the description of young girls who were selling their eggs. One donor-girl interested me...she had the same color hair and skin as I. I thought about this idea of using egg donation. My husband and I desired a baby so badly. We were about to do anything to get that little child in to our arms! We prayed to God for guidance. I suddenly thought about the fact that our child may never know his/her biological mother who donated her eggs. I realized I could not bear to allow another child to suffer the same curse of not knowing a biological parent. I knew first hand about this pain. I had an idea! I called the fertility nurse, and begged her to ask this donor-girl if she would be willing to give us her identity in case our child wanted to meet her one day. The anonymous donor-girl agreed to leave her info with the clinic. Next, the fertility doctor offered to do a split/cycle. This meant we could save thousands of dollars if we shared the donor-girl's eggs with another local infertile couple, like us. This same donor-girl actually had a record of previously donating successfully. I suddenly realized this meant our children could have many unkown brothers and sisters in the same city or school, the same age! There were also 2 other local fertility clinics where this same donor could have also anonymously sold more of her eggs. I worried that one day the descendants of our children may have to ask for a DNA test before dating or marrying. We decided against using egg donation.
My husband and I realized that no matter how badly we wanted a baby, that a baby was not a commodity. These babies will grow up to be real adults...real people. I hope that all of you children grow up and write to your Government officials to change the laws regarding anonymous egg/sperm donation in your State. You children do have the power to change the laws so that anonymous egg and sperm donors can no longer be anonymous. (FYI: Adopted children grew up and changed the laws so that adoption records must always remain open, in order for them to find their biological parents.) Our State senators and Congressmen are available to help! These anonymous donors selling their eggs/sperm, should be accountable to meet these children at age 18. No one knows the pain and deep longing a child has to know a biological parent. (only us, the children will know how this really feels). I am sure when enough of these children from anonymous donors, grow up.. these laws will change.
With God all things are possible. Nothing is too hard for God. God answered my lifetime prayer to find my biological father! When my husband and I decided to adopt an orphan baby from South America, we recieved help from a local Peruvian girl who found my father on a social website similiar to Facebook! This girl would never have helped me, if we had chosen the egg donation route! Thank God we chose adoption. My father remembered the relationship with my mother. He invited me to visit him. I met he and my brother and sister and large South American Family! I look so much like my father. I now look in the mirror and see my wrinkles, eyes, and hair. I look more like him, than his other two children. We also held very similiar morals and values. He died of a heridatary illness, four months after I found him. I can not tell you the closure and peace that came from just meeting him. I am a firm believer that with God, anything is possible! I give credit to my faith in God. I feel like a whole pie now. (Before it was like a piece of me was missing). I am complete.

Date submitted: December 07, 2011

Did you know you were suppose to be equal?

There are several countries that allow people to access their donor's identities once they are 18 years old. The U.S. is not one of those countries but that's ok because what the hell kind of country responds to human rights violations by asking its disenfranchised people

"What can we do to make being discriminated against a more pleasant experience for you?"

Donor conceived individuals in the U.S. will, I hope, begin to compare themselves to those they want to be treated like so they can identify what laws need to change to make that happen.

Did you know that according to Chapeter 8 of the Uniform Parentage Act, http://www.acf.hhs.gov/programs/cse/pubs/2002/reports/essentials/c8.html
the U.S. Supreme Court decided a series of cases starting in 1968 that precluded discrimination against children whose parents were not married to one another? Its true. And believe it or not those court decisions culminated in the 1973 National Conference of Commissioners on Uniform State Laws (NCCUSL) approving the original Uniform Parentage Act which declared

"EQUALITY FOR PARENTS AND CHILDREN WITHOUT REGARD TO THE PARENT'S MARITAL STATUS."

I really hope people will stop referring to themselves as donor conceived when what they are children of unmarried parents who deserve equal treatment and protection under the law.

Did you know that Did you know according to Chapter 1 of the Uniform Parentage Acthttp://www.acf.hhs.gov/programs/cse/pubs/2002/reports/essentials/c1.html#ref_3 of the UPA says that is one of the primary reasons they try to identify children's parents is because "Diseases, illnesses, birth defects, and other abnormalities might be passed to children by their parents. Knowledge of both parents' medical histories can help predict susceptibility to certain medical disorders and aid in diagnosis of illness." They say it is to the child's benefit to be in contact with both of their parents.

The UPA also states that identifying a child's parents offers significant social, economic, and medical benefits to children compared to not knowing their identities they say "It helps foster in families a sense of parental responsibility, heritage, and self-esteem. Establishing paternity for a child born out of wedlock and having a parent contribute financial assistance for a child's upbringing (that might otherwise come from public funds) benefit the child and society. In addition to providing an alternative source of income for the family, a noncustodial parent could provide a child with access to such "social entitlements" as Social Security benefits, pension benefits, veterans' benefits, and other rights of inheritance." The UPA goes on to say that ""Children gain social and psychological advantages from having legally identified parents who are involved in their lives. As well as providing a sense of family heritage, this can be a first step in creating a psychological and social bond between an estranged father and his child. "

And the UPA is filled with statements about parentage being conclusively established in contested cases with upon testing, so its clear that not just any old father will do; it has to be their father to warrant recognition as a parent in a contested case

So far so great! Things are really looking up for children of unmarried parents they actually have some rights and people working to identify their parents until you get to the part that specifically excludes children created by of artificial reproduction.

The whole intent and purpose of the UPA is undermined by the fact that they do not treat all children of unmarried parents equally such that the entire group can be treated equally with children of married parents. It blatantly creates a subclass of children who have unmarried parents that don't deserve State and Federal protection. Those children are children noted as being the offspring of gamete donors and surrogacy arrangements and any child born of an extramarital affair might also fall in with this class of children that does not deserve access to their parents medical information and does not deserve to foster relationships that foster a sense of heritage.

Furthermore I think that the UPA's noble stated goals of equal rights for children to access vital medical information and foster that sense of heritage should be extended to adopted individuals as well.

It is my opinion that anyone who has been denied access to identifying information about their genetic families needs to begin to look at themselves and their peers in a different light and see themselves as part of this protected class of individuals that deserves access to these simple rights the same as children born to their married biological parents. Its my opinion that the premise of the UPA with regard to establishing equal rights for children and equal access to support and critical information on their families is the standard to which all other provisions of the act must comply and in turn the standard to which all state laws will be judged against. I think it would be a good idea to stop calling for an end to anonymity and start calling for a start to your rights as United States Citizens.

They just need one of you with deep pockets and a law degree to take it up in court and the law would change.

Date submitted: November 10, 2011

My letter to the chairman of the inseminatincommitte

I typed a letter in 1983 to the chairman of the board of insemination, one of the Swedish parliaments four JO, your boyfriend Alana has to explain the job of the JO, justiceombudsman.

It was one of at least 20 000 letters on the same subject, saying in effect the same thing. Not of being inseminated into existence, but of being robbed of the knowledge of who was my real father.

In my case I received the knowledge at 20, and had suspected this for 10 years, but forced myself not to believe it. My father was then dead and I have never been able to meet him.

I experienced very, very difficult times ahead and had to leave my university studies then, among other things.

Back to my letter. In 1984 the Swedish parliament passed a law that every child has the right to know his/her parents at latest at 18 years of age, but the advice is to tell this as soon as possible. So to say to grow into this knowledge gradually.

The chairman, Thor Swedner ( I think ) was very attacked for this proposition and this law ( it didn't matter at all whom the genes came from and so forth ) and when he defended himself he used mainly my arguments and sometimes even my own wording.

I felt happy with having achieved something- getting a feed back, to my difficulties before.

Sweden was the first country in the world to adopt this law. Many countries have taken this law and directly duplicating it or taking it and making some changes. Great Britain took this law one or two years ago for example.
The numbers of artificial inseminations with a anonymous donor has dropped from 3-4 000/ year to about 300/ year, and is mostly performed in Denmark, as it is forbidden in Sweden.
The law is still in effect in Sweden, even if it is under constant attack. But all those letters, saying the same thing, telling the same story, in different ways, act as a protector of this law.

What I originally wrote I could send you Alana, but you have to ask your boyfriend to translate it to English.

With kind regards

Date submitted: September 05, 2011

Phoney Bastards and Quasi Marital kids

I've helped reunite roughly 200 families for free since the 1997, so I've seen an awful lot of falsified birth certificates. Turns out that adopted people don't have the market cornered on birth certificates containing false and misleading information. For some, there is no sealed original certificate containing the names of their real parents; for them there is no record of the truth except the blood in their veins and the unfamiliar face in the mirror. Falsification comes in the form of a certificate that lists no father, as if that were even a remote possibility. Fatherless? Really? No man reproduced to create that child? No man owes that child his support? No man is responsible for raising that child to adulthood? Why not put father unknown so that if he does ever turn up his name can be entered and he can be obligated to support his child? Why should there be a time limit for unmarried men to claim their children? How can children be adopted out from under fathers who did not know of their children until too late, why is it possible to adopt a child without the signed consent of the father and the woman who gave birth. Birth certificate falsification most often starts with the concept of a phony bastard who needs a father. Not their father mind you, because just any father will do.

Every child has a father that creates them and its him that has a duty to support his child and nobody should interfere with his performance of that duty. Oh but they do interfere and when they do the child ends up not related to the man named as father on their birth certificate. Quasi marital kids, its where the step father is named on the birth certificates of his wife's children. Quasi Marital children are not adopted by their step fathers there is no proof that their own fathers even know they exist let alone consented to allow their step father to raise them. Many people who call themselves donor conceived are just Quasi marital kids, related to the mother on their certificates but not to the father named on their certificates. There is no proof that the man that made them intended to make them, there is no signed consent to show them that their father intended to abandon them to be raised in exile from their paternal families. No proof. None at all. Willing to be known? When? 18 years after birth? A donor number? Really? How do they know for sure that donor's DNA and will match the kid holding the ticket with his number on it? What if it doesnt? What then? What if their father is another patient at the same clinic and not some altruistic baby-thander-offer? What if all the profile sheets are nothing more than creative writing by medical secretaries working their way through night school? No proof, no consent. Quasi Marital kids and phony bastards. Remember that. Those kids have no voice and they need one they've lost their father's family as well.

Anyone considering starting a family of their own using someone else's genes should understand that you cannot buy claim to someone else's child. It does not matter how early you insert yourself in the process it's not early enough to make it be you that reproduces and not them. Artificial reproduction does not make artificial children, it makes artificial parents for real children that already have parents. Remember that too. They will have a sense that they were abandoned even though they did not exist when the sperm or eggs were traded because motherhood and fatherhood for those people would not start until they were born anyway. They sign papers saying they relinquish their parental rights upon the birth of any child born of their donation. The child's parents still chose not to raise them.

There is not a man on earth that becomes a father when he deposits his sperm; it makes no difference if the deposit is made to a sperm bank or a vagina; men become fathers when their children are born. Women become mothers when their children are born. If you are related to a child as that child's parent you are that child's parent and it makes not a bit of difference what the law says or what the people raising your child think. If you are thinking of donating your eggs or your sperm remember that you would not be a parent until the birth of your child anyway. When your children are born it won't matter how they came to originate from you. A father is just as much the father of his children if they have the same mother as if they have all different mothers the tragedy is that this society does not treat the children that way.

I've seen some very happy reunions. People that called themselves donor conceived, that were really just quasi marital kids, let the donor number fall by the wayside and start refering to their donor as their father because that is what he always was. Lots of reunions turning fatherless children into the sons and daughters they are. Maybe some people search and get the door slammed in their faces I've never seen it happen. I've only seen truth bring peace. Sure over time you might not always get along but that is family. Good luck finding yours. Truth and peace that is.

Date submitted: July 30, 2011

It's scary to need a donor and read these stories.

My husband has a genetic condition called Klinefelters Syndrome, or XXY.
Contrary to popular belief, this does NOT make him "half female". XXY has a scale..some have worse symptoms than others. He bears none of the physical characteristics other than long arms and legs and smaller than average testicles.
Due to his parents lack of care or interest in him, it went undiagnosed until last year, after months of us trying to become pregnant. We went as fas as having both his testicles cut open and parts of them removed to see if we could find any sperm at all...there was nothing. Not even one. It broke our hearts.

Using donor sperm is our only option to become parents, to experience pregnancy and birth together. We are already on the outer in regard to being "normal" parents. I have been reading and researching for months. Reading some of these offspring stories scares the pants off me.
I understand that everyone is entitled to know their biological parent, we plan to tell our children from the beginning. He or she will know that it too 3 people to ring him/her into this world.

It scares me that our child will grow up and never know or possibly even CARE about the hell we went through, because let me tell you, it IS hell dealing with infertility. You can't know how it feels to imagine yourself dying without the chance to kiss an newborn, to change a stinky bottom, to be greeted in the morning by chubby arms around your neck. Most people have the dream to have children. Everyone wants a child for the same reasons, and they are all selfish reasons. Some people are more blessed than others with the ability to have children naturally.
I hear the argument about "Thats what nature intended for you" a lot, but please let me tell you that I am 100% healthy and fertile. I have had every test under the sun to make sure of it. Its definitely NOT what nature intended for ME.
I could walk away from my husband and fall pregnant to another man and never think about infertility again...But what sort of person would that make me? Would I be able to live with myself after that? Would I look at my future children and think, "I broke a man's heart and destroyed his soul for something that I selfishly wanted and he was interfering with that dream" ? Could I live with myself knowing I had walked away from the man I married, the one who I truly want to spend my life with because he is infertile through no fault of his own (vasectomy, drug abuse, accident), to find a fertile man who I could love, but probably always resent because I had to leave the man I married?

As a potential parent of a donor conceived child, I beg you to try to see it from a parents point of view. You are absolutely entitled to be annoyed at your parents for hiding it, for not knowing your biological parent, but please know that it can't have been an easy choice to make for them.

Date submitted: July 25, 2011

Happily ever after�

I found my prince charming. I waited and prayed for him for so many years, I kissed "a lot" of frogs and my heart was broken a few times but it was worth the wait. His name means "God's gracious gift," and with my faith in God I know he is. We had a perfect wedding. We live literally in a house with a white picket fence. But after year of marriage and no baby, we decided to visit the fertility clinic. Before seeing the fertility doctor we had to attend a fertility class that provided information on fertility issues. The speaker told us statistics on the percentage of couples that are infertile; I didn't think much of it, because I knew it would not be us. She (speaker) told us her story and how her infertility issues lead her to adopt a child. She gave us forms that stated which medical test I needed and which ones my husband needed. We left the meeting but we did not follow up with any of the tests. I just felt that I was under too much stress from working full time and attending school and just being a newlywed. I quit school and just enjoyed our first year of marriage.
Three other couple friends told us about their fertility issues but once again I knew it did not apply to us. They gave us their doctor's name and/or books. I thanked them and put the books in the shelf. After a 1 � of trying to conceive, using all kinds of ovulation kits, we called the doctor and made an appointment. When we met the doctor he told us how he could help us conceive, the doctor mentioned the tests I needed to undertake to see if I was able to conceive and that my husband had to simply complete a sperm analysis.
A few weeks later, while I was at work, I received a call from my husband. The news was unexpected. I didn't think it applied to us. My legs felt weak and my heart was palpitating. I felt that life was closing in on me with darkness. As I drove home to be with my husband, many thoughts raised through my mind. My faith in God was being tested, was God punishing me! My fairytale life was ending, and my hopes and dreams of being a mother were being shattered and the silly thought that I would not experience the first time of taking my child to Disneyland and seeing their joy of meeting Mickey Mouse.
I met my husband at home; we talked, cried and prayed. I dusted the fertility books from the shelf and read them all. Did I mention that my husband "really, really" wanted to be a father. After reading the books and visiting the doctor, we had only three choices one is to adopt, two is to use a donor and the third one is to live childless. The third choice was not what we wanted. The adoption was something to consider as a last resort, but for my story to continue to be "happily ever after" we decided to use a donor.

I read the pro and cons of using a donor and even read scientifically articles on the effects of children being born by donors. And what other industrial countries are doing about this issue. I have to say; I was a bit terrified by the negatives stories of donor children. But after coming across this website and reading the stories of "Donor Conceived" children and parents I decided that it is the right choice for us. I thank God for the technological advances available to us, if this were a century ago we would not have this choice. My husband and I would have lived childless.

To conclude, I recently got inseminated by using an anonymous donor. I prayed to God that I become pregnant and I look forward in being a mommy. Once again thank God for the donors, they are giving infertile couples a chance to be parents.

Date submitted: May 29, 2011

A happy solution

I'm a 40 year old woman who has never found the right partner. I am totally ready to have a child - but it's nearly impossible to meet guys when you already want children so much, it just scares them off. I just can't take my time in a relationship with the baby question so strong in my thoughts.

It has been like that for at least 8 years now and recently has got so strong that I have come to the conclusion that, against all my previous ideals of what my life would look like, that if I want a baby I have to focus on a baby first and a primary relationship second.

As an independent woman I am used to doing things on my own anyway, which is another predicament whenever I meet a new guy and suddenly have to get used to a new person and all that goes with them, and consider a baby as well - no wonder it's never happened and I have had so many shorter relationships that never seem to progress!

So, I have faced my reality that the baby must come first if I am going to have one at all - but how? I have learned a lot on this website, about the challenges that children of anonymous donors face not knowing their real father, being half of their identity. I thought that if I do go down that track, I would at least like to find a donor that is at least willing to meet their child at some stage, to give them that connection, and to be as honest and upfront as possible about the situation. Thanks to everyone for sharing their stories.

I then thought that maybe there's guys in my life, who may have never settled down and found their ideal relationship, that might feel a part of them is incomplete that they have never had children. Maybe we could do some co-parenting, they might play a role like seeing them on weekends or special occasions, a bit like an uncle. I would be fully responsible for the baby, but if they were willing to share their time, provide financial and / or emotional support, then they would have a more active role. I would love my baby to know their father and think if it's someone I know, I can come to a good understanding with them (legally as well if appropriate).

I would be open to a relationship as a couple only if it worked, as the priority is a harmonious relationship to suit the needs of our child. If either of us wanted to be with other people, that would be fine. I have already run this by my family and friends, and have heaps of support and willingness from them, to help me raise this child.

I think for me, my ideal relationship has a chance of coming when I have a child, and my biological clock is no longer ticking. This child will grow up knowing their father, know they were loved and wanted, and maybe be raised by my ideal partner when they appear. Either way they will be very much loved and wanted and will have great relationships around them, as there won't be pressure on these relationships to be forced to stay together for the child.

I wrote myself a wish card and put some lovely quotes and positive words on it, as well as the type of father I was seeking (someone who cares for me and respects me and would like to play this role) and displayed it on my desk.

The next day one of my male friends who I have been confiding in, in a deep conversation, said they would be the father!!!

I know he'll be a great dad and look out for both of us. He is excited too, and extremely supportive and considerate.

We are going to start trying soon. It's unconventional, but I'm extremely happy and grateful for this outcome. It feels perfect to me, I feel like I have blessed with him being sent to answer my prayers!

I share my story, as this website helped me, and I hope maybe this inspires someone else too who is seeking their own solution. With all my love, xx

Date submitted: May 14, 2011

The Deception

My sister had twins using donor eggs and her husband's sperm. When she called to tell me she was pregnant, she said she has been having IVF but did not tell me the eggs were from a donor. Something felt 'not quite right' about the pregnancy and I began to suspect donated eggs. My mother confirmed it was true when I spoke to her.
Watching my sister go through pregnancy with another woman's and her husband's children felt perverse and disturbing. My sister continues to deceive me and has never told me that the twins are not genetic relatives. My heart broke when I heard it was true. But even before finding out, although I had been deceived, deep down I could feel there was something wrong. The deception itself is also ineffective because it does not change the genes of the children.
My sister is not the mother of these children, no matter how mentally distressed she became by her infertility, no matter how much she loves the children, no matter how much she wants it to be true. She has taken on a mothering role, one which she will perform excellently and she will undoubtedly provide a loving home along with her husband. But still she is an impostor. I believe it is unethical to create a baby to satisfy personal desires which will then harm the child. Robbing the twins of the opportunity to be raised by their biological mother is not something I feel good about. It is like their maternal identity has been stolen and that of another grafted on. It's a poor substitute which I can't condone. And it is something those children will feel and will carry with them for their whole lives. All the parenting love in the world will not completely fill that gap that exists in them, as countless adoptees and donor-conceived people will testify.
My relationship with my sister has broken down. The glossy brochures of IVF clinics full of pictures of happy smiling babies do not want to tell you of their dirty secrets. They don't want you to know how this procedure harms existing families destroying relationships. The IVF clinic exploited my sister when she was at her most vulnerable and distressed. I would like to see donated eggs and sperm made illegal and the doctors prosecuted.

Date submitted: April 18, 2011

reproductive choice

I had myself inseminated following a very painful breakup; upon discovering allegations of incest regarding the man I was dating. Why? I'd cry tears of longing when I'd see mothers together with their children of all ages; I come from a culture in which childlessness is simply not an option, my sister 12 years my junior was pregnant. In summary I heard the clock ticking and it seemed like there were no appropriate men out there.

Once I had made the decision to inseminate, I resolved to do the best for my kid. For example, I planned never to marry if I had a girl, because I wouldn't want my girl to be exposed to a strange man. I made sure to choose an open donor.

The first time I considered going to a sperm bank I had just cried and cried. It took me months to get used to the idea and in hindsight, I never truly did- I guess I was deluding myself. As soon as I left the office after my insemination, I began crying again.

The crying lifted and I started to get excited. But when I actually discovered signs of pregnancy I was terrified. I thought of all those internet comments from bitter donor offspring, even though I had made sure to go with an open ID program which they hadn't. The two things that terrified me most were: poverty and hardship as a single parent, which I had dealt with before making the decision, but now added to that were those accusing internet donor offspring voices that might one day be pointed at me by my own child.

The next couple of weeks were torturous. I walked into 3 different abortion clinics and walked out, until I finally took that pill, and miscarried my very planned and expensive, but unwanted pregnancy a couple of days later.

I was hit with a tidal wave of grief, it felt like I was drowning. I had always pro choice, never viewed abortion as murder, especially one so early as mine when no embryo was yet visible, but never dreamed that I'd actually have an abortion myself. Not guilt, but loss. The person who I hurt was myself.

Before aborting, I figured that if I couldn't take the grief I could just go get pregnant again. But I haven't done that. I'm in limbo, can't figure out what is the right thing. Nothing has changed; not my culture, not my sister who's now pregnant again, not the biological clock. If anything, three years later, it's ticking even louder and there are even fewer men.

The only thing that makes me feel better is feeling that I did the right thing, but I don't know that that's true. Life isn't perfect for anybody. I think there's a good possibility that things would have turned out just fine for my kid, as they will if I try again.
But I'm stuck.

Date submitted: November 29, 2010